There’s nothing moms and sorority girls love more than lists about moms and sorority girls. So it is with love and narcissism that I bring you this:
1. You realize you don’t know the real lyrics to your preschooler’s favorite songs, only the “greek” versions from recruitment week. It turns out Poseidon doesn’t play a major a role in the song Mr. Golden Sun, as I was previously led to believe. In fact, he and his trident are not even mentioned. This resulted in an awkward moment during a sing-along in the car today which is what gave me the idea for this list.
2. Your kids are super impressed by how good you are at snapping your fingers but at some point they wonder why there’s a box of huge wooden paddles covered in puffy paint in the garage. (Because how creepy would that look to a child?!)
3. You LOVE finding out your mom friends were in sororities, until they tell you they were in that one house that was your rival in college and for an awkward second there’s a palpable disappointment in the air so you try to overcompensate by saying something like, “Pi Phi is so awesome! I have several friends who are Pi Phi’s!! If I had a son I would totally let him marry a Pi Phi someday!!! The Pi Phi’s are a gracious and hard-working people with a rich history and culture!!!!”
You occasionally find yourself judging all the toddlers on the playground by their parents’ greek affiliation…
“Look at Connor pounding that apple juice and acting like an animal. He’s obviously headed straight for the TKE house.”
“Is Savvy lifting up her skirt and showing everyone her My Little Pony underwear? Ugh. SUCH a Delta move. Where’s her Big Sis? She needs to have a talk with her before their whole house looks bad.”
4. You have to stop wearing your old greek t-shirts to the gym because they list the year and feature a bunch of outdated cultural references.
“NO I’m not wearing this ‘vintage’ Anchorman themed sorority t-shirt to be ‘ironic’ and I did NOT ‘score’ it at Goodwill.”
5. You THANK GOD EVERYDAY that no one had camera phones when you were in college and you fear for the future of the children in a fickle world of instant uploading and global connectivity.
Picture it, 2075:
“Listen to me, youngsters! Back in my schooldays if we wanted to post an embarrassing picture on the internet, we had to sober up, drive to a store, wait an hour to get a paper bag full of print outs — mostly of people with their eyes closed — scan them individually onto a computer in the ‘lab,’ and then figure out the intermediate-level coding required just to upload ’em to our freakin’ Xanga journals!”
*My grandkids ignore me as they eat their legal, marijuana-laced, transgender gummy bears.*
“Call me old fashioned, but I’ll stick with gin,” I say to no one in particular. Then I yell to my favorite grandchild, whichever one looks the most like me, “Honey, put on my DVD of Newlyweds: Nick and Jessica, would ya? And turn the volume all the way up! My good ear’s on the fritz!”