Have you ever woken up one day and realized that a significant part of your life is spent wiping other people’s butts? It’s got to be the most humbling part of motherhood aside from actually birthing a child.
Like all first-time moms, when Avery was 15 months old I started pinning a bunch of “potty-training” tips on Pinterest and preparing to brag about how I did it in just a weekend (!) Then I gave up because it was too hard and she ended up potty training herself when she turned 3. Like, one day she just started using the toilet. I’m not sure how long I would have let her wear diapers if she hadn’t decided on her own, but I’m glad she made the decision, forcause ew. (“Forcause” is the word she invented and it’s too cute to correct so we are just making it a thing now.)
Now my second child is 2 years old and vaguely interested in being potty trained. And by vaguely I mean she enjoys sitting on the toilet fully clothed and then asking for treats. She also enjoys removing her diaper on her own and then, to put it delicately, forgetting she has done so after the crucial moment has passed.
When I think she’s finally going to use the potty, it turns out to be some sort of cruel toddler practical joke. She gets me all psyched up until I’m in such a frenzy of excitement and encouragement that I no longer sound like English is my native language. “You want marshmallow? You pee pee?! Make water in toilet, yes?” Then she just stands up and walks away, like, Nah. Should have seen your face though. Classic Peg!
Then there was the time a couple weeks ago when her older sister got really into knock-knock jokes and not to be outdone, she said, “Mommy, knock knock!” Thinking how adorable, I said with exaggerated anticipation, “Who’s there?!” Then she grinned and said, “I goed poop.” So I guess what I’m saying is that I’m not great at potty-training but I’m doing a pretty good job raising a couple of smart-asses. And I couldn’t be prouder.
Should I make some tips for Pinterest?
Other titles for this post:
“Wiping Smart Asses”
“Getting To The Bottom Of Potty-Training”
“No Ifs/Ands, Just Butts. All The Butts. So Many Butts.”
“Why Moms Are Always Pooped”
“‘My Hobby Is Butt-Wiping’ And Other Reasons I’m Glad I Don’t Have To Fill Out An Online Dating Profile”
“Generic Butt Pun. I’m Tired.”