I hope when you saw the title you were not expecting me to lay out simple ways you can start out the school year as a Supermom, because I meant it literally. “But Emily,” some of you are asking, “why would I want to be a Dummy?” And to you people I say, don’t be such an a-hole. For some of us it turned out this way and we don’t need your judgment. Go back to your budget-spreadsheet-monthly-paleo-crockpot-meal-planner and leave us alone.
So without further ado, let me share with you, ah-my little tips…
- Show up late the first few days in a row. Initially the teacher will think you’re just getting used to the routine, but over time she will realize this is just who you are as a person. *Tip for non-moms, I used this tactic in high school as well, and I only got detention for chronic tardiness a few times. I mean, was I the only senior legally obligated to attend class on Senior Ditch Day so I could graduate? Maybe. Who remembers high school anyway? Move on, people. It was so long ago why are you even still bringing it up?
- If you show up on time, make sure you’ve forgotten to bring something critical. Preferably the thing you forgot to bring will have been listed on your orientation papers under a section marked “REMINDERS!” The teacher will either think you are illiterate and brave for sending your child to school so they can have a better life, or she will realize you are just rebel AF. Either way, she will not expect much from you for the rest of the year.
But it’s not just the teachers you need to establish a tone with. Some of the most important people you need to influence will be the school administrators:
- That’s why whenever I have to bring in copies of important legal documents, I make sure they can see that at some point, I’ve carelessly left the papers out where my children could color on them. Not only does it show the status of my file-organization, it also casually hints at the fact that I don’t watch my kids at all times.
My last tip is a bonus tip for beginners:
- If you are still able to make a first impression, one thing you can do for extra credit is the FIRST time you ever go to the school for a parent event, have a massive panic attack for no apparent reason. And I mean, really go for it. Ya gotta really get in there. Sweat through your shirt, vomit in the teacher’s lounge, lie down on the floor in the Principal’s office, have someone from the staff drive you home…the works. You can read more about that here: 5 Things I Want You To Know When I’m Having An Anxiety Attack.
So whenever I feel dumb, I remember that throughout my life, setting a low bar for myself is what allowed me to achieve the many, many mundane accomplishments that I expect my parents to praise me for. And they do. I used to think it was because they were suckers, but now I realize they just didn’t want me catching onto their game; they missed my Kindergarten Circus because they scheduled the moving truck for that day and TWICE my mom forgot to pick me up. But I sure was grateful when they showed up. So to them I tip my hat and say, well played, “Dummies.” Well, played.