Actual Things: Unmarried Dot Com

Dear friends,

I’ve had a cold so long I can barely remember what it’s like to not have a cold. As I was lying in bed last night still hacking after a second dose of Nyquil and some good old fashioned night soup*, I started to get really fed up. (*Night soup is that thing where you are so desperate to stop coughing you get up at 1am, make soup to eat in bed, spill some of it on yourself and then pray you don’t die of an accidental cold med overdose leaving your children to find your puffy-faced body in a bed full of used tissues in the morning.) I decided to refocus on tranquility by saying all my thank you prayers. Since I’ve been Catholic most of my life I have a habit of ending my prayers with the sign of the cross, only last night instead of the traditional “Amen” I realized I accidentally ended my prayer with, “In the name of the Father, the Son, and The Holy Spirit, Dot Com.”

So there I was, wheeze-laughing in the dark in m’soup-stained tank top…

This brings me to my second actual thing. I overslept. Which means my kids overslept. Which means we had approximately 9 minutes for a 12 minute drive. By some miracle of traffic patterns, we coasted up to the door with about 15 seconds to spare as I tossed backpacks into the backseat like they were life jackets on a sinking ship. As I watched my sweet blonde cherubs head for the front door I rolled down the window and started shouting things like, “LET’S MOVE! LOOK ALIVE! I WANNA SEE KNEES TO CHEST!” It really put a pep in their step and I’m thinking that maybe I should start wearing a coach whistle to drop off.

It’s a good thing I’m such a natural motivator because kids can be so inconsiderate, am I right? Like, I didn’t leave the house bra-less in a soup-stained tank top and accelerate through four yellow lights for you to mosey in 20 seconds after the bell and make me look like a bad mom.

Thirdly, and this is a biggie: I got unmarried a while ago. For months now I’ve mulled over when and how to share this information publicly, but the more I thought about it, the more all of your comments over the past years came flooding back and reminded me that I should just keep it real. It wasn’t in the plan for the original fairy tale ending, but I still got a lot of fairy tale moments over the years that can never be undone.

So I’m back to writing. As a single mom, I assure you I have a backlog of material to share with you. If you’re reading this, please know that I appreciate you. I hope you’ll forgive my absence and come back with all of your hilarious feedback I treasure so much.

And those are the actual things.

Love, Emily

 

Alternate Titles:

Working On My Night Soup

Accelerating Through Yellow Lights: A Philosophy For Life

Unmarried With Children

Fairy Tale Middles

I want to sneak in a HUGE thank you shout out to the many, many supportive women friends who have been true bright spots through this cloudy, unpredictable season of my life. Here are a few of them:

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5 Women You Should Follow On Instagram. Right Now.

If you’re not obsessed with these 5 women and following them on Instagram, I don’t even know you anymore.

GIRLCRUSH women you should follow on Instagram

Aidy Bryant. My favorite SNL girl. Follow her for cute travel pictures, hilarious captions AND links to unaired SNL skits that get cut for time.

GIRLCRUSH Aidy Bryant Instagram

“I’m a model and I’m letting it really change me!”

And if you haven’t seen these two skits she was in, you must watch them now:

The Worst Lady On An Airplane

Waterbed Warehouse

Amy Schumer. It took me a while to get on her “bandwagon” so to speak, because I had always heard she was a vulgar, sex comic. Once I started watching her show I saw her really funny, sophisticated point of view on how women are treated in the media. Follow her for lots of red carpet looks and her candid commentary. She’s funny because she’s SMART! And we need more of that.

GIRLCRUSH Amy Schumer Instagram

“I guess I am perfect.”

Jessica Seinfeld. I have a major crush on this woman! I love everything from her home to her recipes to her outlook on life and how to humbly raise your children. I love getting sneak peeks of her beautiful kitchen in the background of her selfies!

GIRLCRUSH Jess Seinfeld Instagram

Also she shares funny things from around the web like THIS.

Lena Dunham. I haven’t watched her show or read her book. I don’t agree with her politics or love her fashion, but gosh darnit there is something so free spirited and attractive to me about her confidence! She’s a remarkable human and she makes me feel better about myself because she’s obviously so true to herself.

GIRLCRUSH Lena Dunham Instagram

“#NoThighGap”

Mindy Kaling. The Mindy Project is one of the few shows I will rewatch because it’s just that good. Her book is a must read if you haven’t already and I can’t wait until her new book comes out! Follow her for funny, behind-the-scenes moments and hilarious text message screen captures. She’s the real deal and her Instagram seems so authentic it allows me to keep pretending we are besties in my head.

GIRLCRUSH Mindy Kaling Instagram

“Telling me I have no dance ability or natural charisma…”

GIRLCRUSH MINDY TEXT

WHO WOULD YOU GUYS ADD TO THIS LIST? I need to know!!!

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