#WeddingFails

Wedding season is upon us! First of all, I LOVE weddings, I have a huge family, and I was in a sorority so I’ve attended my fair share of vows and seen some things over the years.

Quick side note on wedding fashion. I love the flower crown thing in general but I think that for brides they are going to be the 2015 equivalent of those big vaguely-western wedding hats from the 80s. What’s so wrong with a veil?

^ This bride is GORGEOUS but fast forward 20 years and I fear she will look like this:

Here is a picture of yours truly at my own wedding in 2009:

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“A #ChildBride in the 2000s”

My hubby and I joke that I am going to be a MOBzilla when Avery gets married and bark orders at people while I proclaim that it’s “MY DAY” in between fittings for my various outfit changes and rehearsals for the song I am going to perform as a slideshow plays of just pictures of me and Avery. We laugh, but then we both make that “yikes” face, because inside we are both a little afraid of what I’m capable of.

On that note, here are a few of my favorite #WeddingFails from over the years. (Disclaimer: If I have been to your wedding, it might be featured here. Thank you again for inviting me, everything was lovely.)

I once went to a wedding where the groom’s mother insisted on doing a speech and started it by yelling “WOOOOH! SOMEBODY GAVE ME A MICROPHONE!!!” Then she talked about how she had never really wanted to “cut the umbilical cord.” Then when the groom was going to take off the bride’s garter, his mother “playfully” ran across the dance floor and threw herself in between them. (If I had a son, I have no doubt I would totally be this woman someday.)

I once went to a wedding where the mother of the groom came down the aisle in a floor-length white gown.

I once went to a wedding where a fist fight broke out between a mob of groomsmen on the dance floor and everyone ran outside to watch them duke it out in the parking lot.

I have actually been to multiple weddings where one of the guys got so drunk he dropped his pants on the dancefloor. Guys, why is this a thing? (You know who you are.)

I know someone who got so rowdy during “SHOUT” at a wedding that he blew out his knee.

I once went to a wedding where one of the guests got stuck in the church bathroom right before the ceremony was about to begin and started panicking and beating on the door until one of the groomsmen heard her and busted the door open. (Again, apologies to my cousin and his wife for the scene, but I was trapped and scared.)

I once went to a wedding where the bride was walking around the cocktail hour completely unaware that there was a mini twice-baked potato in one of the tufts of her ball gown. (Again, that was me.)

Comment your #weddingfail stories if you have a good one! I’d love to read them!

For wedding style updates, go check out these stunners from Stella and Dot under my “Shop With Me” Tab! Just browse the Special Occasions Boutique to see these and so many other gorgeous ideas for you, your bridesmaids, or a special bride in your life. #Stellabrate!

Bridal Stella and Dot

5 Years (and 5 Advice Pearls on Choosing a Husband)

If my  marriage were a movie, it would be a romantic comedy. The way I envision it, Willie Geist would make his big screen debut as Kevin Kuhlman, the boyish and charming, yet dedicated and accomplished young law partner. Naturally I would be played by Heidi Klum with Sandra Bullock’s voice dubbed in. Or maybe a blonde Sofia Vergara with Julia Roberts’ voice dubbed in. My parents would be played by Meryl Streep and Jeff Bridges while the role of my quirky-hopeless-romantic-yet-perpetually-single best friend would be played by Britney Spears, as herself. Critics will call it “a love story with a form as old as the movies and dialogue as new as this month’s issue of Vanity Fair.” (Coincidentally this is exactly what Roger Ebert said about “When Harry Met Sally…”)

 You can never be sure what plot twists are ahead, but so far Kevin and I can still make each other laugh really hard, so I’d say we’re off to a good start.

To my unmarried readers out there, in honor of my five years of wedded bliss, I have 5 pearls of advice for you when it comes to choosing a husband:

1. Choose someone who will work full-time AND do his own laundry. I feel like this should be the first conversation in pre-marital counseling. Full disclothesure, (I’m sorry, I couldn’t resist) this one almost took us down. I always thought I would be a perfect-souflee-making-laundry-folding-apron-wearing trophy wife and it turns out I’m more of a do-the-bare-minimum-and-hire-out-as-much-as-possible trophy wife.

2. Choose someone who is nicer than you. At first, you may find it annoying but in time it will rub off on you. Also, other people will think you are nicer by association.

3. Choose someone who generally accepts and supports you but encourages you to have your sh*t together. He should be willing to go get you ice cream so you can sit on the couch in your ugly clothes and eat straight from the pint, but he should also be willing to man up and confiscate that pint when you start frantically shoveling it in your mouth and yelling “I’m spiraling out of control!”

4. Choose a man with a nice balance of pretty facial features, like dimples or long eyelashes. This way you won’t mind as much if you give birth to a baby girl clone-version of him. (It happens more than you might think.)

5. Last but not least, choose a guy who’s fun at weddings. If your husband gets embarrassed by the way you conduct yourself around an open bar and a dance floor, he’s not the man for you. As they say, you don’t need that kind of negativity in your life.

HAPPY 5TH ANNIVERSARY KUHLGUY!

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Marisa’s Wedding Details

 Saturday June 8th, 2013

 

Bridesmaids with the groom, Charlie

The most beautiful bride

The big day has come and gone. I laughed, I cried, I gave a speech, I danced, I ate too much cake, and I got to see my best friend in the world marry the man of her dreams. It felt surreal. She’s only 2 years younger than me, but I am so protective of her.  In the weeks leading up to the wedding I started having nightmares that her dress was ruined or I was late to the church. I got defensive over anyone not making the wedding events their number one priority. I kept Marisa’s wedding dress in the nursery and checked on it day and night to make sure it was still hanging perfectly. In between photos on Saturday I hurried into a little coffee shop to get a snack and got all huffy with the innocent cashier, basically snapping at him for not moving fast enough, like he was supposed to know it was Marisa’s day. I was like George Banks trying to buy hot dog buns in Father of the Bride.

 

(“I’ll tell you what I’m doing. I want to buy eight hot dogs and eight hot dog buns to go with them. But no one sells eight hot dog buns. They only sell twelve hot dog buns. So I end up paying for four buns I don’t need. So I am removing the superfluous buns. Yeah! And you want to know why? Because some big-shot over at the wiener company got together with some big-shot over at the bun company and decided to rip off the American public…George Banks is saying NO!”)

 

Not a proud moment, but I digress…

 

Here are some pictures from the Rehearsal Dinner:

Maid of Honor, Bride, Groom, and Best Man

The morning of the wedding I woke up at exactly 2:17 AM in a panic sweat with my heart racing. I don’t know if I was having a bad dream or what, but I had to wake up my husband to help me calm down so I could go back to sleep. When I woke up a few hours later I was giddy with excitement! I packed up the car, kissed Kevin and Avery, and headed downtown to the loft where all the girls would be getting ready. I absolutely loved my hairstyle and jewelry – a gift from Marisa!

 

 

Getting the dress on was more complicated than you would expect but we did it!

Helping her into her shoes, just like she did for me on my wedding day

Her beautiful bouquet

Avery in front of the church in the flower girl dress I made

So up to this point, the day had been mostly breezy and full of giggles. When it was time to walk down the aisle it felt like someone had suddenly pressed the fast forward button. Before I knew it, everything was actually happening. And that’s when I lost it. As I watched Marisa and Charlie light the unity candle and hug their parents and grandparents in front of our entire extended family while the musicians played, I ventured into a territory known as the Ugly Cry. It wasn’t the kind of thing where I could daintily dab the mist out of my eyes before it ruined my mascara. I felt liquid emotion streaming down my face, collecting at the bottom of my chin and dripping down the front of my dress, taking rivulets of eye make up with it. By the time they said their vows I looked like I had lost a fight and contracted pink eye.

Just lined up, feeling good, feeling strong!

Despite my tears of JOY, I ended up looking like someone ran over my dog in front of me halfway through the ceremony

When Marisa turned around and saw me she was visibly concerned about my emotional state

You know you’ve made a scene when the bride puts a hand out to console you during her own marital blessing.

As soon as they were announced as husband and wife I felt a huge sense of relief wash over me. I don’t know if I have ever been happier to see two people get married (other than my own wedding obviously, but even then I didn’t cry.)

 

My husband got this awesome picture of them leaving the church!

PARTY TIME

We took a fun trolley ride over to the reception venue which is a gorgeous ranch and I got to be reunited with my lil princess! In all the hustle and bustle of the day, I hadn’t really gotten to hold her and I just wanted to squeeze her to pieces! She was a pro at being a flower girl. Walked down the aisle like she owned the place and didn’t even have to be bribed. I was beyond proud!

Feeling so blessed

From that point on we danced the night away. I was physically exhausted and emotionally drained, (after all, I am 8 months pregnant) but I wouldn’t have missed that party for anything in the world!

Getting my dance on with my mom, sister, and nieces

My cousin Maggie snapped this picture as we were walking out the door and it perfectly captures the end of the night. I have cried and sweat off my make up, Avery is wearing a random cowboy hat and is so over posing for pictures, and Kevin is carrying a ridiculous, giant fluff ball of a dress. Kuhlmans OUT.

Cheers to love and laughter, and happily ever after for the new Mr. and Mrs. Whitfield!!!

You Have A Baby…In A Bar…Prego at the Bachelorette Party!

The only “hangover” I had at this Bachelorette Party was my baby belly!

This past weekend I headed down to Wichita for Marisa’s family bridal shower and bachelorette party (see her DERBY THEMED shower here!) I should remind everyone that I am now over 7 months pregnant. Not exactly in peak party condition, but I put on my sequined maternity top and held my own with the other girls. (Next time I am up at 2am, I will likely be cuddling my newborn!) 

Couple things: nothing reminds you that you’re no longer the young, fun sorority girl you once were like being the 28 year old pregnant lady in the bar. One guy actually wished me a Happy Mother’s Day. (Hey thanks, kid! Buy me a shot…of Botox!) But another young gentleman did offer to buy me a cranberry juice. I politely declined on principle, but basically I took it as a sign that I’ve still got it. And don’t think I didn’t text my husband to remind him that I’ve still got it. (He seemed disappointingly unthreatened.) 

The other thing I was reminded of (since I don’t go out to bars much…or at all, really) is how lucky I am to be married and “off the market.” I mean GEEZ. Some of these guys on the dance floor were just so creepy and rude. Anyway the important thing is that Marisa and I will soon be old married ladies together and we can sit around in our yoga pants, drinking white wine, watching Bravo and talking about how cool we were in Tri Delt. Basically, living the dream.

Bestie Bride

Since my sweet, beautiful little cousin Lauren is a Tridelta legacy, I took it upon myself to teach her some classic sorority picture poses, like the surprise face and the arm pop. As you can see, she is a natural.

My adorable nieces

 

Designated driver reporting for duty

My cousin Allie is pregnant too, expecting a baby girl in August so we were virgin cocktail buddies!

Busting some moves on the dance floor with my cousin and my sister

Bridesmaids!

It was only fitting that I crown her the new “Mrs.” in Kansas!

Saw this on Pinterest and thought it was cute! Note to self: Must make a blinged out chalkboard to use for different parties!